I am back to reading anita brookner, understanding the loneliness that we run away from or pretend does not exist. The point of loneliness in her book is not abandonment by a loved one but about something inherent in all of us. what makes her stories scary is that nothing bad or unfortunate has really happened. It’s the lack of things happening that kill the characters. The divorces are so amicable.

Sometimes it feels like another lifetime when i longed for him to tell me he loves me. Not that i dont now. But the thing that most troubles me is how can we both be so perfect together. We would be married amicably , happy, no fights. or almost no fights. But what about the one i am with right now.  Sometimes i think i will give him up for the past. Repeat stupid mistakes like people have always been doing.

Now there is only longing to run to him and hold his hand , but no sense  of desire , thirst. If only he would let me run to him ..

Have you ever taken a picture of your eye? Yes quite a few..
Do you actually have a favorite flower? Chameli.
Can you change a printer cartridge? No .
Do you have sensitive skin? Nahi .. gende ki chamdi really..
Do you recognize Justin Timberlake's songs? Nah..

When did you last have a cookie? Yesterday,they were from Gaylords and they tasted like raw eggs and sugar ..ugh ugh..
Are you lactose intolerant?  I'm not. But i sort of like the idea. Provided i can still eat cheese
Are you a sarcastic person? Yeah.

Have you worn lipstick before (even as a joke)? Yes .. did tht a lot when i was small. Still wear it when i go for some shaadi.
Do you judge a person by how they dress? Not at all.

Do you have a credit card? No
Do you personally know anyone who has gone bankrupt? Yes , some man did it to get insurance.

Do you honestly watch very much TV? yes.. all naach gaana and khana pakana.
How many emails do you have? Zilch

What do you say to the statement, "Love is suicide!"? Yes yes .. nods head solemnly.
Are you comfortable with your looks?  I'm living with these looks since two decades and more and i think i am comfortable with them. .Wouldnt i need therapy if i wasnt.
Have you ever had sleep problems like insomnia?  What does tht even mean.. no no no insomnia..i am kumbhakaran.

Have you ever taken a dance class? When I was little, i did Kathak coz i didnt want to learn to paint..
How many different instant messengers do you have? 2.
Are you an obsessive personality? Nah
Do you ever wish you were the opposite sex? Sometimes.

Do you take pictures of yourself for your Myspace (or other site)? Nah . I click me for me.
Have you ever actually seen the ocean? I am from the coast.. so but ob i have.

Do you wear jewelry often? Earrings earrings and more earrings.
When did you stop believing the opposite sex was "icky" or "had cudies"? I never thought that, I only thought see boys then hit them , pinch them , bite them and run fast. As a matter of fact i still think so.

What color is your keyboard? Black with white letters.
And your mouse? Grey

Speaking of mice, have you ever seen one? Yes
Do you smile with your teeth showing? Yes show all my teeth

What's your favorite kind of chocolate? Dark.
What do you think of when you hear the word "Plume"?  Nom de plume , pen name.

Ever made a fake email or online account just for the fun of it?there are so many of those. i even forgot half of them.

How about for some real trouble making? When am i not making trouble..
Was this long enough? Yes.

 Very clueless on what to do next in life. Should  i enjoy what i do or just do something that brings in some moolah.. But then

Kept thinking of this song.. i think i need to get a life

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

When I was young, I fell in love
I asked my sweetheart what lies ahead
Will we have rainbows, day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother, what will I be
Will I be handsome, will I be rich
I tell them tenderly.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

i have been going silent these days. so much turbulence. is not good. so much confusion.  i thot i should write what i cant speak. but the words dont come out..